Friar Cous Cous

Trussed-up in a wartime bandage-suit...

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Storm in Heaven

The afterlife is a difficult thing to come to terms with, in many ways. It is a harsh fact that once condemned to Hell, no amount of repenting will ever buy you a ticket out of there. It's just too late.
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Parallelelly, no amount of transgression can send you to Hell once you have been admitted to Heaven by God and Jesus. It is this that has us believe, in great numbers, that Heaven must be a peaceful place, where punishment has not, since the Fall of the Dark Angel, been required to keep order. This belief is, however, not right, but wrong.
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Recent statistics issued by Jesus via the Vatican indicate that since 1997 there have been over 3,240 crimes committed within the gates of Heaven. Many commentators say that even this startling figure has been watered down by the Holy Spirit to prevent earth-bound evil-doers becoming do-gooders during their mortal existence in order to gain entry to Heaven, only to resume their ill behaviour once St Peter has locked the Gates* behind them.
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No breakdown of specific crimes committed in Heaven has been released, but speculation is that a significant proportion must have been serious, because in 2001 God, weakened by his own promise not to relegate any heavenly souls to Hell, decided by a unanimous 'three-in-one-as-one to nil' vote to introduce the death penalty.
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Since March 2001, 394 souls in Heaven have been sentenced to death for a variety of crimes, rumoured to include murder, rape, armed robbery and indulgence-laundering. So far 113 of these executions have been carried out, by method or methods as yet unknown.
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All of this leads to a rather frustrating conclusion. Although the facts about the afterlife are well known to us here on Earth, it is accepted that we have to actually die to be able to feel and understand what it is like. Frustrating enough in itself, although we have got used to it - but now we face further uncertainty. What happens to us if we are executed for committing a crime after we have died and gone to Heaven? Is there an after-afterlife? Only 113 souls know for sure, with another 281 scheduled to find out by the end of the financial year. And this begs the question, what if you can be executed in the after-afterlife, should it exist, and so on.
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The repercussions of this deepening mystery are vast. Some people might now be tempted just to settle for Hell in the first place, as it seems there, at least, you know where you stand. On the other hand, many people might just think, "Fuck it", and carry on shilly-shally, willy-billy, pupsy-wupsy and with no two ways about it.
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*The term "Pearly Gates" is a misnomer. They are actually made from a small retractable wall of flame leased from Hell.

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